Monday, Monday!

 

 And back to Monday!

 Weekend was good, took my daughter K to do some dorm shopping, so many things to get, swear its like moving into your first apartment!  K had plans Saturday afternoon/night, so I did a deep clean of our living room since her pile for school is getting bigger and was giving me some anxiety with the clutter, so reorganized it all and made me feel much better- mentally- physically my body ached afterwards!  I’m getting old!  Sunday K and I drove to see her grandfather in Vermont, we took the scenic way which tacks on a little time but is such a nice drive, we were able to stop along the way and take pics and just enjoy how beautiful it was. 

 The moments I will miss most with K will be our drives, listening to music, singing along, I love when I hear a song that I know she has on her playlist because she got it from me, but also love when she introduces me to some new song or artist she loves.  Music is essential in our life!  I kept thinking, this is one of our last road trips before she goes to college, and would tear up, I’m such a baby about her going, I try to keep it to myself because I don’t want her to feel like I am trying to hold her back, but I confess its hard!  Drop off day is fast approaching, and I am grateful that my BFF Amanda is going to go with us because I know I am going to be doing everything in my power to keep my shit together!

 Visiting K’s grandfather is always nice, they have a strong bond that is special to see, they talk politics, gardening, and weather at length, I am mostly there to buffer any talk of her father.  I should probably say that K’s father has not had any involvement in her life that was not court ordered, other than helping her get her passport.  When K was almost a year I reached out to her grandfather and basically said, here is this precious child that your son does not want to be involved with and here I am opening up my home to you if you’d like to establish a relationship with her outside of your son and he took me up on it and so did her Uncle until he passed away.  It was definitely challenging in the beginning, her grandfather would call me to talk about K but cry to me about how ashamed of his son he was- and I’d have to console him lol makes me chuckle to myself now but at the time, there I was with a baby and doing this single mom thing and brokenhearted that her dad wasn’t there, but felt like I had to make excuses for him to his father! K’s uncle was better he was more mad at his brother and reserving judgement on me and eventually of him coming to visit K so often he and I became really good friends, he has been gone nearly 9 years and we miss him very much.   I always know when K really misses him because she will play his favorite music. Anyway, the visit was good but there are always a few awkward moments where he will bring up her father or half -sister and K will freeze; although she did handle the situation very well a few visits ago when her grandfather started talking about how he wants K to connect with her father so she will still be connected to the family on their side when he is gone and K just stopped him and said, in a way beyond her years, Papa, I love you and I love the time we spend together but as far as my father and sister, maybe someday my sister and I will find a way to know each other but I do not have any intention or interest in having a relationship with my father, he chose not to have me in his life and now I choose that too.  Literally, broke my heart at the same time as the pride I felt for her for who she is and how incredibly strong and smart and brave she is near burst my heart.  On the way back from Vermont, K was crying, she feels so bad that her grandfather is alone since his wife passed a few years ago, it's just him and his dog, who is older than K, she worries when Buddy goes her grandfather won’t have a reason to be as active as he is, she worries about going off to college and not having as much time for him as she does now.

 We got home, had something to eat and watched some Project Runway All Stars together until I was falling asleep on the sofa and left K to her own devices.  I got up this morning for work, did what I consider my morning chores and left K a note with a few reminders on things she needs to do this week- of course I knew she was going to the beach with her friends today and none of it will happen today but wanted to be a pain in the ass and remind her even if she already knows what needs to be done- that’s a mom’s job right? So, she is at the beach right now with a bunch of friends just enjoying the last summer before she really needs to adult- her summer has been filled with nights with her friends having fires and adventures and lots of beach days- the best thing about living in RI is there is always a local beach not far off!  

 As a kid that changed schools 16 times between kindergarten and high school, I always said that my one goal was to have a child that went through the same school system, and I did give that to K, the kids she graduated with some of them went back as far as story hour at the library at 8 months old, friends she graduated preschool with, that she now graduated high school with that was so important to me; unfortunately as a white woman I didn’t think about the challenges of having a biracial child in a predominately white school – she was one of 4 kids of color in the entire school- once she got to the HS she made it clear to me she wanted to move but unfortunately life isn’t that easy, we are in a good district and I felt that it was important to finish where we started for many reasons, but now headed to Boston, she is most excited to be in a place where she feels like she fits in, like she is not the minority.  It's crazy this kid doesn’t know how beautiful she is, she is not the standard of pretty in our town-she tells me often, she has experienced racism from people in both cruel and offhanded ways, things a child shouldn’t have to experience. Although I know racism exists everywhere, it will be nice for her to feel a part of a community in a way she hasn't felt in our small town.